I’m sorry, what? It’s 2020?

Think back to what you were doing this time last year; what were you hopeful for? What goals or resolutions did you write down with total hope and promise that they would be fulfilled? Personally, I have had a slow decline of those feelings through the years. My early 20’s I was all into the resolutions, knew I would feel differently in the coming year and knew that things would change in a matter of months. Then my mid-20’s hit and while I still made those lists, I had a vague hint of optimism but slightly diminished. Now, at 30 years old and having had a tough few years, I’ve decided I need to reassess my entire outlook on the matter.

Everyone thinks over things over the holidays. Whether it’s the constant barrage of social media posts about it, or the questions from family over the festivities, we start to think over what we’ve actually done with our last 12 months. To be totally honest, I’m not entirely sure. I don’t have the traditional life that I can measure “success”: promotions, projects at work, a raise, a growing family. Now while that is only one definition and way of looking at success, it is a fairly traditional way. And because I don’t have a job, it’s harder for me to have a feeling of success which has been one of the biggest downfalls of 2019 for me. In 2018 I had a sense of purpose in the fitness studio’s that I worked at and felt like a human again. This year I was not so lucky.

But I do have to remind myself every now and then of just how much I have done this year, and how much has changed. Which, as always in my life, is a lot…

  • traveled to CA, DC, MD, FL, UT, SC, NY, OH, VA, GA (yes, I had to go back through my Instagram feed to remind myself)

  • Moved out of Michigan 🙁

  • redesigned the blog and done more brand collaborations than ever before.

  • Turned 30… ugh

Sure I can keep busy, but for me that isn’t enough. I want to feel that I’m working towards something and giving something to the world, even a small corner of it, and that’s what I’ve been working towards for years. I’m not sure I will find that answer in 2020, but I do know that I’m going to keep working towards it.

But to be totally honest, I’m kind of nervous about 2020. Every year for us has brought change: a new city, a new house, etc. Change has always been our “normal”, but this year’s change is a big one, and one that I have a hard time wrapping my head around. I always pride myself on being open about myself and my life, but I am also only comfortable giving certain details and sharing certain things. But this year could mean a lot of time away from my husband and a lot of big decisions to be made. At this point, my husband is my home, so to think of having to be away from him for months at a time isn’t something I’d choose.

So all in all I am not sure what 2020 will bring. Most people don’t! I have no idea how I will feel this time next year, and I actually have no idea where I will be this time of year. So while I wish I could fill your feed and this post with inspirational lines like “new year, new me!” or “this is gonna be the best year yet” or “this is THE year”… that’s just not where my mind is, and I’d rather be honest than popular. But if you are like me and you are feeling uncertain, unsettled, and just overall unsure as to how this next year is going to go, you are not alone. Sometimes not knowing what comes next can bring some pretty amazing things, so when the inspiration strikes, try and turn that fear/uncertainty into excitement/anticipation. Sometimes there is a fine line between those two emotions, but the latter is so much more fun 😀

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